Parenting is an attitude

On May 12, 2016May 12, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, Love, light, blessingsLeave a comment

Parenting is an attitude, not a biological function.

In my book, Easy Parenting For All Ages, I wrote that parenting should never be considered a sacrifice. Rather, it is a compromise.

If like me, you came into parenting high on idealism and realised that ouch, it costs a lot in terms of your personal ambition, energy and resources, the biggest mistake you could make it see parenting as a sacrifice. The “I could have done that if I didn’t have you” mindset breeds resentment which is not a healthy environment for children to grow up in with that burden to bear. And as I am fond of saying, it only takes ONE parent to screw children up.

I was shocked to realise that even with one child, my carefree hedonistic life and burning ambition was over. My friends went off for exciting gap years or to university whilst I stayed behind working in my local hospital lab which was kind enough to take me on. Later, when I finally started university (by then pregnant with my third child), I realised that my student life was so different from my friends’. They were talking about cool bands and cheap beer in the student union, I was too exhausted with exams, assignments, project, house cleaning, cooking, childminding and part-time job. Of course resentment crept in.

But my children’s father was always joyful. He the reluctant father. And therein lies in our successful parenting story – he had always been genuinely happy to be nothing more than a parent. Yet he had to sell his boats. Yet he had to move 250 miles north to Manchester away from his mates and sailing in the south coast. He took up fell running in the stunning Peak District instead, which he learned to love. He began loving the northern mountain town of Kettleshulme. He made new friends.

His happy state of mind is infectious. I woke up then to the fact that life now for me was better than it could have been despite our financial hardship, challenges and being away from my family and friends in Hampshire. So parenting wasn’t a sacrifice though I could not live the life I envisaged. It was a compromise. Some would say, it was a better life with my large brood of small children with their father’s trademark chuckle and the silly “Are we having fun yet?” family mantra.

Thirty years later, he still has the same attitude. Parenting is not a sacrifice. Here we were a few Saturdays ago, in my daughter’s empty school during the school holidays, patiently waiting for her as he decided she needed to go into school to do her project. There were other things we could have done instead of sitting in an empty classroom on a glorious Saturday morning in Phuket, but spending that time with her was a good compromise. It is the best thing we have ever done, to be parents to her and her siblings ❤

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Parenting is Work, Work, Work

On May 8, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, Love, light, blessingsLeave a comment

Last week was the celebration of St Joseph, The Worker.

As I sat in church, half-listening to the priest, I wondered what St. Joseph had ever done to deserve this great honour that lasted over 2,000 years. The Worker? It wasn’t as if he built roads or led armies to war. He didn’t do all that much. He didn’t even preach. Not much was written about him in the Bible.

Then I thought back to the biblical tale of the boy Jesus who got lost in the temple. At that moment when He was found, Joseph was a better parent than Mary. It takes a lot to be a good father, I realised.

The most difficult thing is resting the “I” in order to be able to rise to the role of being a parent. A parent is a safe haven, fair judge, tireless servant, kind heart and pair of loving arms. To fulfil all those important roles would require a serious reallocation of priorities, intentions and energies. It is a BIG job. Some would say it is the biggest and most important job you will ever do.

My children’s father did not consciously choose to become a father. He was in his twenties when it was forced on him. He was having the time of his life, why would someone what to change the rules when the going is good? And the going was indeed good for this happy chap from South East London. He was sharing a small house with another bachelor in my hometown, had three sailing dinghies and did what he wanted with his life. He was planning to move to Paris. He certainly did not jump for joy at impending fatherhood. But he had such a magical and beautiful childhood that he automatically, unconsciously, created that sweet, happy space when the honour was bestowed on him. It was as if he could not be anything else but the parent his were.

I, on the other hand, liked the idea of motherhood, largely due to teenage idealism, but then realised very quickly that it required life-changing sacrifices. My life was no longer my own. I couldn’t even afford to go to the University of my choice, because there was no affordable childcare. I wasn’t raise to be a worker, I was raised to be a princess by my adoring mum. It was a shock to my system. That resentment could have lasted for years, blighting my children’s childhood. There is nothing more damaging than a resentful mum, because resentment breeds discontentment, impatience and unkindness.

But fortunately, with investment from my Ma and my in-laws, the resentment did not take root.

Slowly, with humour, warmth, kindness, love and tough love (from my in-laws), I found my way to a different life than the one I envisaged. Some would say it is a better life. Parenting is not a sacrifice, but a compromise. I had to work harder, I had to work longer, just to keep up, to stay afloat. I didn’t have any time for myself, and I no longer owned my own life. But I had little people who looked at me with adoration in their eyes and a man who laughed uproariously with them. We had a crazy-busy life, with me trying to juggle University exams and part-time work, but our life was sweet. Slowly, I learned that compromise is beautiful when those chubby baby-arms and starfish fingers wrap themselves round me like octopi.

I no longer missed what could have beens and found great contentment in what I have. It wasn’t the life I planned for myself, to be cleaning the bathroom on my one day off and working in minimum-wage menial jobs to pay the bills, but the rewards were huge. It was then I became a Worker, with gladness in my heart.

Work is love made visible. And if you can’t work with love, but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of the people who work with joy.

Kahlil Gibran, Artist, poet and writer

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Parenting is EASY

On May 6, 2016May 6, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, Love, light, blessingsLeave a comment

I think the most significant thing I have done in recent months is getting my parenting philosophy into the lives of so many parents who downloaded my book on Kindle in such great numbers that my book, Easy Parenting For All Ages, ended up on the coveted #3 spot in the Parenting genre.

But is it false advertising? Can parenting ever be easy?

I read some of the comments that popped up in forums: “She has five kids, it gets easier the more kids you have”, “She is rich, she has maids to look after her children”, “Her kids have good genes.”

Not so. (i) Parenting got easier once I sussed out what I was doing (note: I have a child on the autism spectrum) (ii) I had no maids, no cleaners and no parents helping me when I was a penniless student at University 250 miles from home and (iii) my kids are mischievous, all of them are so different from one another, but the parenting philosophy is the same.

Well, straight from the horses mouth, it is easy because there are two principles to sort out first and foremost when it comes to parenting, and then everything flows:

The First Principle

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The Second Principle

Simple as that. My children’s father came from a very happy household and he sussed that out early. We all need to be happy even when life was tough. This was why he focused a lot of his energy on getting us all laughing, especially me, instead of earning more money. I was a spoilt and uptight little cow and he sorted me out.

If the energy of the woman isn’t right, the household isn’t right.

Without sounding sexist, mothers have a huge potential to damage children because our voice is the house that our children live in. It is by far the loudest voice our children hear, even in adulthood. How we speak to our children become their inner voice.

Without a mother who is contented with her role, happy with where she is, feels supported and is accepting of her path (imperfections and all), the household is rudderless and not peaceful, however big or however rich. Granted, it is difficult in the real world to be happy-clappy all the time, but I strongly believe that if we hold on to these two basic principles, then we go a long way already towards raising happy, strong and balanced children.

I do have some stresses in my life at the moment, but I often remind myself to maintain a sense of equanimity and normality for the sake of my household, and hence, my daughter. The best I can give her is this.

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Mummy Army Rules!

On May 5, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, lightLeave a comment

When I was young, we had a collection of books called The Encyclopedia Britannica. I still remember the thick, leather-bound books that sat in the study in my parents’ house like stout pillars of knowledge. They contained everything in the universe that you could ever wish to know.

Now, the company is out of business.

Wikipedia is here. Hold up your hand if you use Wikipedia. I certainly do. I love it because it is the work of millions of people. Yes, we all contribute to this huge, living and growing Fact-Tree. No wonder Encyclopedia Britannica went out of business. There was no way expensive static books could compete with free, ever-growing tree of knowledge.

Wikipedia is the ultimate in collaboration. And collaboration is in the human spirit at its purest form. We want to reach out and pull each other up, it is natural.

Yesterday was the day I gave away free downloads of my parenting book. I did lots of preparation beforehand, from making video tutorials on how to download Kindle to where to find the book, but there was no foreseeing all the issues that will arise on the actual day. There were 639 questions coming in fast and furious, ranging from the highly technical to the “What is Kindle?” and “How do I find the Kindle Store button?”

If it had been a conventional business, I would have had to set up a call centre or annoy a lot of customers. But in this wonderful community that I have established through my tireless blogging and Facebook-ing, an army of mummies (my so-called Mummy Army) marched out in their numbers to help each other. They were patiently explaining the steps to each other, they were troubleshooting and posting screen shots, sharing and joking with each other like old friends. Something very beautiful was happening in our cyber world yesterday. I wish I could bottle the essence.

I was exhausted, jubilant and humbled at the end of the long day. And filled with ever so much gratitude for the beautiful spirit of collaboration I had witnessed. My daughter Georgina, the subject of my parenting book, was doing her exams all day – I would love for her to have been here to experience the beautiful solidarity and power of working together to realise a mutual goal. I believe it is a very important lesson to for children to learn. Collaboration is the lifeblood of many successful ventures. My son went to Royal Naval College Dartmouth and I believe he was taught that. I learned it sitting in my office which is a beach shack, courtesy of my Facebook friends and fellow bloggers.

Yesterday, we pulled off something amazing. My book got to #3 on Kindle Store in the parenting genre. Here’s a big thank you to my Mummy Army.

A day at the office

On May 4, 2016May 4, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, lightLeave a comment

I spent six years at two top universities in the UK (Manchester and Oxford) but my workplace these days is a beach shack on Phuket island with superb internet connection. My poor parents. But hey, welcome to the new world.

4th of May was not a typical office day. It was the day that my second parenting book, Easy Parenting For All Ages was made available for free download on Kindle. It all started in 2012. I wrote a parenting book called Barefoot In The City. It sold 5,000 copies in the traditional hard copy format and went down the route of conventional books with a book launch party (in the rainforest), book signings and book events. It became a much-loved book because I had successfully built a community around the Barefoot philosophy. The community is still going strong on Facebook and my blogs. In a sense, the followers had become real friends.

Four years down the road and the subject of the book, my youngest daughter Georgina, was about to turn 16. She said some scary, truthful things such as “You can’t stop teenagers doing what they want. We can always find a way if we want to.”

Fortunately for us, she does not want to party, do drugs, get high, sleep around….despite living in the party town of Patong. She wants to study, play football and occasionally eat junk food and veg out with Gray’s Anatomy. So I decided to write an updated version of Barefoot In The City. Georgina’s father thinks it is very easy to parent her (really?), so I decided to call the updated book Easy Parenting For All Ages. Yes, it has his perspectives too.

A NEW WORLD

I did well financially out of Barefoot In The City but Georgina strongly suggested that the new book be released on Kindle. “Think about the trees and the ink, Mum!” Since when has she become an eco-warrior, or does she know something I don’t?

But I have to live by my parenting creed, which is allowing teenagers to take the lead. So dinosaur, un-techie mummy ventured into the world of Kindle, foolhardy and optimistic. Can’t be that difficult, right? Right? After all, I paid for a professional book interior designer to sort the techie stuff out.

I decided to give Barefoot In The City free with Easy Parenting For All Ages. At a measly $3.99 for both books, I should hopefully recoup what I paid my decorator. Er, I mean interior designer. Note: I didn’t want to charge more because it is a learning experience for me and in case it turned out to be a bad job. I just wanted to recoup the costs.

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THINGS THEY NEVER TAUGHT YOU IN BUSINESS SCHOOL

I never went to one but I don’t suppose these were mentioned in MBA classes. Here they are, for what they are worth:

You can never be 100% prepared.

However much prep you do beforehand, there will be issues on the day. Easy Parenting was launched on 30th April, Georgina’s 16th birthday, with a list price of U$3.99. The Free Book Day was scheduled for 4th of May:

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I made a YouTube video and prepped followers on how to download the free Kindle app, where to find the book, etc.

Don’t assume

Global business does not mean global integration. Surprise, surprise, Kindle downloads based in Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk is not available for download in Asia. I cursed. Because despite all the checkboxes I ticked (WORLDWIDE), it seems that Asia is not part of the world in Amazon-speak.

You must learn to troubleshoot

On the morning of 4th of May, my messaging service, email account and Twitter were full with messages. All saying the same thing: CAN’T DOWNLOAD.

I knew I would be answering at least a hundred of these, so still in my pyjamas, I made another YouTube video. “Good morning, folks. It’s still very early. It’s still the 3rd of May in USA so please wait for Amazon US to wake up before you can get your free copy.”

Not that simple. There is no one solution for all. “I cannot see it on my iPhone”, “I can’t find your book on Amazon”, “Why do I have to pay $3.99?”

And therein lies the two most important lessons learned:

It’s the people that matters

Out of nowhere, the small army of tech-savvy mums began answering the “How do I switch on my computer” questions. They took screenshots, they advised, they encouraged. I was completely blown away, because as a one-woman-show, I could hardly keep up with the questions hitting me every few seconds. I din’t even have the time to pee because if I moved away from my laptop, there would be 30 messages on cue. Yes, at the end of the day, it is the people that matters. The teamwork. The human factor. Sod the book.

You must care about what you are doing

I made it a point to answer every question. Apart from Amazon, I cursed my daughter. She is incommunicado due to football practice and Biology exam. At one stage, I almost phoned the school to drag her out of the exam room to answer the “I can’t find your book on Amazon” questions.

Finally, the sun is setting and my day is coming to a close. And this is the grand total I have earned today, from the few generous who took pity on me and paid for the book that they could have downloaded for free.

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I am happy, because you can buy a lot of beer for that in Thailand. Now let’s just hope folks leave cheery reviews for me to wake up to tomorrow and no “I can’t download!” messages. Good evening, All. x

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Healing yourself first

On May 2, 2016May 2, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, lightLeave a comment

In my parenting book, Easy Parenting For All Ages – Raising Happy Strong Kids, I wrote that how you parent your children will affect the lives of so many. Not only your children’s lives but your own, your children’s spouses’, your children’s children and beyond. Your children are your legacies.

Parenting is more than keeping a roof over our children’s heads, keeping them clothed, fed and schooled. It is about filling their hearts with the good stuff. Because they are walking records of all the things we have ever said or done to them – both the good and the bad. How we speak to our children become their inner voices. Oh, I have heard the voices of parents (especially mothers’) in so many grown adults!

We relive our childhood again and again in our adult lives, in different guises.

The brain is probably the least understood of human organs. Until recently, our knowledge of human behaviour comes from psychologists, but now, the fields of cellular biology, neurobiology and epigenetics have made made significant progress in understanding how the brain works.

Going as far back as Freud and Jung, it is known that we reenact our childhoods. Freud called it “repetition compulsion”. My psychologist, who is also a psychiatrist, calls it “childhood programming”. Basically, repetition compulsion or childhood programming is our brains unconsciously creating the same unresolved childhood scenario in an attempt to “get it right.” This unconscious drive to relive past events could be one of the mechanisms at work when families repeat unresolved traumas in future generations.

I dedicated my first book on parenting, Barefoot In The City – Raising Successful, Free Range Organic Kids to my friend Eva. Eva took her own life a few years ago. She saw many psychologists and psychiatrists in the months and years before her death who tried to help her get over her childhood trauma.

I was so very shocked that she killed herself. After all, there was no reason to. She had an adoring husband, four lovely children, a nice home, a ‘successful’ life. She had always been busy helping others.

Carl Jung, founder of analytical psychology, believed that what remains unconscious does not dissolve, but rather resurfaces in our lives as fate or fortune. I don’t think Eva took the time to heal. And here’s my controversial view: helping others does not heal us. We have to heal ourselves first.

I came to quantum medicine late in life. Schooled in old science, I found the quantum world beyond common sense and beyond logic. But who are we? Human beings are made up of cells and cells are ‘nothingness’. Perhaps just little blips of energy, according to String Theory. Life and reality is not as tangible as we think.

Recently, I suffered a huge trauma in my life. My partner, who is all for emancipation of women, started to exert his cave-man rights on me. He insisted that I live in seclusion and isolation for six months to heal myself. He had taken a big house in Phuket on long lease for me.

“Let me go home. Let me be a doctor again,” I railed against him. It has become a bone of contention between us, as I am not used to be treated like a chattel. Logic tells me that I am physically fine now. But my heart, my intuition and my deepest voice tell me to trust this man’s judgment. I do indeed need this time to go inwards, to focus on myself, and to heal completely before I join the human race again.

Behind these high walls I am healing myself.

Healing yourself by quantum medicine

Never be afraid to take time out. You are perfectly within your rights to shut the castle doors so that you can go inwards and fix yourself at the cellular level. And it takes time. Those who love you will understand and respect your decision.

Shut out all noises. Including your own voice. We need silence more than we think. You need an absolute cessation of mental activities for long periods. Days, weeks, months. Just walk, run, BE.

In that abyss, fill yourself with kind words. Forgive yourself. But in the process, also acknowledge your wrongdoings and ask for forgiveness. You cannot move on without making peace with your past, because that is who you are.

In your isolation, put down the foundations for a new you. Mediate. Speak less. Stop questioning. Live more mindfully. Love more.

Related academic articles

C. Backster, Primary Perception: Biocommunication with plants, living foods, and human cells, White Rose Millennium Press, 2003, pp. 29, 31-34, 39, 49-50. ISBN 0-966435435.

D. Radin, Entangled Minds: Extrasensory experiences in a quantum reality, Pocket Books, 2006, ISBN 13: 978-1-4165-1677-4; R. Sheldrake, Morphic Resonance: The nature of formative causation, Park Street Press, 2009, ISBN 978-1-59477-317-4; D. Wilcock, The Source Field Investigations, Penguin Group, 2011, ISBN 978-0-525-95204-6

About

On May 1, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn About, Everything!!!Leave a comment

Hi,

Welcome to my parenting blog, which is a continuation of the parenting book I wrote in 2012, Barefoot in The City – Raising Successful, Free-Range Organic Kids.

I am a mother of five children, and am so very proud of them. They have all grown up beautifully, despite the challenges of modern society. I strongly believe in a more organic and heart-led approach to parenting as opposed to hot-housing children in a pressure-cooker environment that characterises today’s fast-paced world. My curriculum for bringing up children centres on love, happiness, family, strong values, and good physical and emotional health. From this bountiful font, all great things arise (that’s my belief anyway).

I feel blessed that I spend part of the year in Phuket, which must surely be one of the most magical islands in the world. But home for me is always Portsmouth, though I now live in London.

Please do browse through the topics on the right sidebar, or read through the posts (sorted by date) at the foot of this page. I do hope you enjoy my ramblings….but please note that this is merely a blog, not a professional website so don’t expect references etc, just lots of heart.

Love, light, peace, Jacqueline

Please be a part of this tribe of parents, teachers and young people – do sign up for free books, etc. Many thanks.

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Exam strategy: crisps and TV

On April 28, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, lightLeave a comment

“Eat junk food and watch Gray’s Anatomy for 2 hours,” my nerdy Asian kid replied when I asked her what her strategies are for coping with exam stress.

We are currently in the IGCSE exam season and Georgina definitely has a lot on, not only in terms of her studies but also her heavy sporting commitments. She plays football at a very high level and cannot afford to slack off as she is playing in an important tournament in Portugal in less than two months’ time. It is business as usual on the football pitch.

“I’m training kids to be professionals who can earn a living from playing football,” her football coach says pointedly to parents like myself who whinge about his four days a week training regime during the exam time. Surely those poor dears should be in their comfortable homes studying instead of running around in the hot sun chasing a ball?

“Exams are just exams and life goes on,” her father agrees with the coach.

But I am 75% Asian, OK? Exams are a big deal. It is a cast-iron belief that is woven into the Asian genes, like it or not. You’re screwed for life if you don’t come home with a brace of As.

But I was surprised, nonetheless, by Georgina’s response. She is normally extremely disciplined and controlled, so what is this with junk food and mindless television for two hours?

There are healthy options available in our house and we live by the beach. So why stuff your face with junk food and hole yourself up in your room wasting time watching mindless TV (which she never does), instead of eating a homemade energy bar, swim in the sea and get down to work?

She shrugged. “I give myself two hours. And then I take out my school books.”

She does know what she is doing and what she needs to do. The walls in her bedroom are covered with Post-Its.

And as a testament to the saying that we know our own body best, there is a reason for Georgina’s out-of-character behaviour. Yesterday, I read that Dr Sandi Mann, a researcher from the University of Central Lancashire, and colleagues presented their findings to the British Psychological Society conference in Nottingham which showed that when we are bored, our dopamine level drops and we compensate for this drop in other ways, namely by eating fatty and sugary foods. You can read the short article, Bored People Reach For The Chips, by clicking on this link.

“Bored people do not eat nuts,” Dr Mann said. My goodness, so true! Georgina who loves nuts shuns them when she comes home from school after a long day and still has a couple of hours of studying ahead of her. Bring on the McVities and crisps.

And interestingly enough, in a separate study, Dr Mann found that boredom can make us more creative. She suggests that boredom can have positive results including an increase in creativity because it gives us time to daydream. Hmmm, television soaps do have their worth after all.

Note to self: my child knows her body and mind better than I do. Note to self: my child knows her body and mind better than I do. It is the innate wisdom called Mahad that I wrote about in my parenting book.

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Inspiring children and building teens

On April 17, 2016April 17, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn blessings, Everything!!!2 Comments

When my children were young, I did not endear myself to relatives and friends. I specifically made it be known that I would not allow my children to play with plastic toys. Gifts that were plastic in nature were politely and firmly returned.

“Come on, relax a bit,” my children’s father would say.

No, not on this. We have to live our beliefs in our everyday lives rather than spouting ideals. Children learn when their parents model their teachings. If we allow plastic toys – many of which are manufactured unethically using child labour and contributing to environmental pollution – when and how will our children learn to live mindful lives? Our home is the laboratory that our children learn the art of being and the ways of living.

In any case, my children were not deprived despite my draconian laws and moratorium on plastic toys. They played with pots and pans and wooden spoons. They rearranged my cupboards and spent a lot of time outdoors. My niece Katie infamously ate earthworms served up very prettily on my mother’s china plate.

My father-in-law made beautiful toys for my children. It was truly a labour of love. He passed away in 2005 but the toys that he made almost 30 years ago still have the place of pride in my son’s house. My mother-in-law made lovely things for them too with her sewing machine and crochet needles. She made the characters of the series of story books that my children’s father and I wrote entitled The Atoms Family to teach our children about the physical world. Here’s Harry Helium who is one of the residents of the block of flats called The Periodic Table.

My parents, who were less into crafts but more into biology, taught my kids about the plants that grew in the New Forest and the animals, birds and insects that lived there. Almost thirty years later, I still treasure those sketch books.

mushrooms

Scarcity of ‘toys’ made my children more resourceful. You see, toys entertain them passively, especially those with bright lights and synthetic voices. Without these toys to entertain them, they had to actively engage themselves. They became very creative and resourceful. I did moan a fair bit about the fact they they were always up to mischief, like cutting up old t-shirts to make clothes for the dogs, dismantling things and experimenting with fireworks.

But the upshot is, they learned how to live purposeful lives.

As teens, they would put on cabaret acts for the family. They would dress up. Yes, they were always up to something, living their lives fully and colourfully. Georgina taught First Aid course in her school for small children. She ran weekly children’s Taekwondo classes in our front garden (she was a Second Dan Black belt by 12 years old). She started a company called G-Tech selling home electronic kits for children to learn the basics.

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Today, she is two weeks short of her 16th birthday. She has no interest in hanging out in shopping malls or nightclubs (though we live in a party town). She does not own an iPad and she is not into computer games. She lives her life as a continuation of her childhood, which was fun-filled, resourceful and creative. She enjoys studying because she sees it as part of the process – no pressure, challenging, can be beautiful – and brings her creativity and enthusiasm into it. This comes from her childhood where the things she does is active and directed, rather than passive and accepting. An example of her biology notes:

This morning, I stopped by my friend Vivienne Reis’s stall. I wish I had known her when my kids were young, because Vivienne is a patron of a Thai charity, Good Shepherd Sisters www.handsofhopenongkhai.com. The ladies supported by this charity learn self-sufficiency by making beautiful crafts and toys. I particularly love the cloth books with detachable pieces which are good for engaging children in story-telling.

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good shepherd 1

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They are all handmade with love and are very reasonably priced. I especially love the 2-in-1 Mermaid doll….because many years ago, my mother-in-law made one for my daughter Kat.

For more information, please email viviennereis@gmail.com

Insurance for your child’s future

On March 15, 2016 By bumblebee3londonIn Everything!!!, LoveLeave a comment

A few days ago whilst we were driving along the backroads of Phuket we saw these three boys in front of us. The oldest one who was riding the bike did not seem a day older than eleven, swigging Coke from a can whilst confidently navigating the roads like a seasoned rider.

“What a lovely way to grow up,” my children’s father commented. “When they are all grown up, they will have such happy memories of days like this.”

I have a different mindset. My immediate thought was about the tiny boy in front pitching forward and suffering catastrophic brain damage. I looked at my children’s father’s face. I could tell he was remembering his own childhood. He was the South East London version of these three boys. He and his mates would go off cycling deep into the Kent countryside from a very young age. They would go for miles. Once they decided to try to find Dartford Tunnel. They were gone for a long time and when darkness fell the police was called. The tired little boys were given a severe hiding by their mothers but no harm done, there was so much love. It was all part of growing up in a childhood couched with love.

Money and social status counted for nothing. There were no playdates, enrichment classes or tuition where my children’s father grew up. Sure, he could have done better at school and he could have done better socially if his parents were more educated, if they were more ambitious for their son or if they had more money to spare. But they did not and I am glad.

For he has grown up with beauty in his heart from his happy childhood days and has the simple ambition to create the same for our children. In my 48 years of having lived a rich and varied life, I have seen how important a good foundation is in building a happy and successful life. Though academic success is often hailed as the most important foundation of them all, look around you: how many people in successful careers are actually truly and deeply content with their exalted status quo compared with those with humbler lives? Do they actually live ‘better’ lives than those with less grand jobs, the teachers, the office workers, the carpenters, the shop assistants?

It is never worth sacrificing substance for form. It is my strong belief that a child has to have a strong foundation and that foundation is a happy childhood that they can always return to in their minds when the going gets tough, a safe refuge in the belief that there is a happier place always however dire the present is. I strongly believe that as parents, we should invest in building that place for our children. It is their insurance against bad days in their adult lives, far more so than a ticket to glory.

Here’s an analogy. This is one of the many stray dogs (called soi dogs in Thailand) who lives on the beach near my house. I see him almost every day. He is smart, sociable and healthy. The food vendors feed him well. There is a charity called The Soi Dog Foundation that takes care of strays. Someone put a collar on him but he belongs to no one, according to the food vendors. I thought of taking him home to keep as my pet. But I ask myself this, will this dog be happier in a ‘richer’ life than he is living free on the beach? A nice house means nothing. I once knew a person who said he couldn’t wait to leave home – and home for him was a big house in an affluent suburb.

This comes to my point: life cannot be measured in achievements or possessions but in happy moments that make up the story of our lives. To use the old adage, it is not the destination but the journey. It is how you lived the days of your life that matters.

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raisinghappystrongkids

Author: bumblebee3london